How do you determine your greatest strength? Generally speaking, I have no solid foundation for determining who I am on any given day, other than I know that I cannot determine who I am. I try my best not to generalise to a certain readership, because everyone has the opportunity to learn. However this could sound ridiculous to individuals who ‘have it together’ so, I speak to those of you who are here to support, as well. There is something here for you too.
It is normal to not understand yourself or to know who you truly are; trust me. I live it daily.
I was recently asked to detail what my greatest strength is, in an effort to bring out my confidence and be more cognitive in my approach to handling the way I view myself. I have written previously about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, (which you can read here) and this hasn’t been a really difficult process for me to undertake because I have been able to make some positive changes since starting the therapy. However, having since begun a new medication, I have caught myself in a web. It makes me feel dull, dampens my ‘intuition’ and has reduced my ability to think clearly; essentially and as my doctor put it, I just feel dumb. Significantly less smart. When you are trying to admire and live up to your strengths but are anchored by your weaknesses, it takes a little extra effort to rise above and find a solution. This is my attempt at finding a way around the sometimes bittersweet reality because I unfortunately need to stay on this medication for the foreseeable future. My last entry defined the beginning of change and there are many to be made in the coming months and this is all part of it.
So, how did I answer this? The old adage ‘fake it til you make it’ would apply in most circumstances for me however this time I really stopped to think about it. What are the noticeable differences in myself since venturing down this new medicinal path? I would not say that my confidence has increased; it has mostly remained the same. I believe focus is variable and should be this way as life is not black and white. You need to be adaptable to changes you might encounter because rigidity; although sometimes powerful in the right circumstance is not helpful when attempting to further yourself as an individual.
What I did notice was that I was allowing myself to be victimised by my new medication. Yes, I feel and think differently and I feel impaired by its effects. It has certainly weakened the way I usually respond to situations both positively and negatively. But the things I am; the positive aspects about myself that were dominant before this have not disappeared; they have only been silenced. I still have the control and if I still have control, that means that I can call on it whenever I need to. It is just a matter of figuring that out. Once I realised this, the process of elimination was easy to set up and I sifted through the good traits and also the lies I often tell myself; about who I believe I am and who I should believe I am.
I don’t often sit down to think about what makes me; me. I am otherwise occupied in trying to piece together what sanity I have left to build a stronger foundation than the one which was laid for me. This behaviour is a first step toward progression. To have made the effort of remembering that I am not a victim and deducing my qualities that are my essentials, is huge. To be able to build upon them now is even bigger. So, what are they?
Empathy.
This is just good human-ing. You say you’re sorry, you feel the pain of another, you share the feeling of joy. You teach your children the importance of understanding other people. We are all capable of empathy and emotion is important. It is what makes us human and it is absolutely OKAY to feel things, even if is intensely. It gives you power and an insight into the people around you and allows you to determine circumstances in ways others would overlook. I work in customer service and can often tell the customers energy just from the way they say ‘hello’.
I suppose you can say this is simple observation and that is probably why I have never truly revealed it to be a strength. I am observant but I feel it more than I see it. It can be useful though. Before starting Epilim, my intuition and empathy worked hand in hand to decipher my thoughts for me and I truly miss having that knowing about situations and people. My emotions have been what have powered me through some difficult periods of my life. I ignore my intuition too often because I have not believed there was value in it; but since it has been put on the back burner, I never realised how much I truly relied upon it. It has guided others to seek their own truths, so why should I continue to overlook is value?
I have kept it a secret because emotion can be determined as a sign of weakness. It is seldom remembered that it is a spectrum and there is no ‘true’ equilibrium. If we begin to categorise it, we limit ourselves. The true spirit of my empathy is the desire to help others. My formative years were spent navigating adult issues, of which I probably should never have been relied upon to counsel; nevertheless it happened. Since I’ve started Epilim, time seems to be the best way to tackle this obstacle; of being able to ‘tap’ into it. I will eventually find a way around it.
Integrity.
Someone once told me that above all things in life, maintaining your integrity is the most important. Often times it can prove difficult to honour it, especially when there are forces working against you, it can be tempting to simply relinquish its power and fall in line however; once you establish distrust you pave the way to losing your validity and therefore your integrity and you will be faced with a long road ahead, spent rebuilding it. This was not advice that I necessarily needed and more of a statement to reinforce what I already knew about myself; that I loathe being lied to; secrets, gossip and drama; not being able to speak for myself.
I think the first step is appreciating your integrity and that comes down to experience. It does take courage to step forward and own it. Secondly, to remain stagnant and unadaptable to change is alluring but for me, working against this is necessary for progression. In retrospect, this perhaps is why I seldom take the low road because I relish the taste of resistance to the status quo. The most important part of maintaining integrity for me is admitting when you’re in the wrong, accepting responsibility for your actions and being truthful no matter the consequences. No sense can come from denying your truth when it is clearly laid out in front of you. Most recently I was once again told I am impossible; that those who love me will become sick of me and eventually leave; all because of how ‘difficult’ and ‘ungrateful’ I am. I can be abrasive, it can be an arduous task to reason with me; I know I can appear difficult however I am not ungrateful.
Perspective is what is required to understand why I am affected by these things and although I accept that people think them of me, I also accept that they are unfortunately victims of their own cognitive dissonance in relation to mental illness in general. It is hurtful to be seen as such by the ones who can offer their support and choose to label, but it is also selfish of me to think of how my illness affects only me – it is just as difficult to love someone who is suffering as it is to be the sufferer. The challenge lies in mutually agreeing to forgive each other and sometimes that proves to be more difficult than it seems. I am not these things without the disorder and I do not actively choose to be this way. Those who realise this help me to move forward. Those who do not, I am choosing to let go. Sometimes you are left to forgive without the other party. Forgiving does not mean forgetting or making amends. It means releasing your grip of the things which consume your energy more than they are worth. Integrity is also being true to you, not just the people around you and it is more than OK to self care before offering yourself to others.
Both empathy and integrity are powerful traits to possess on their own but they complement one another when used at their full potential and although I am yet to reach that, it is where my journey will take me. There is perhaps another strength that is probably the most important. My experience from interacting with the mental health communities online; you, who have reached out and said that you connect with the things that I write; doctors and mental health professionals over the years; all have taught me that a lot of people who suffer from a mental illness are empathetic and truthful individuals who desire to live their life to the best of their ability.
Unfortunately, a lot are let down by their circumstance both personal and environmental and without the proper support it is very easy to be blinded by the consuming darkness. I know that without my support unit, I would most likely be unemployed, not medicated, spiralling constantly and engaging in dangerous activities. I would be unstable. It takes energy to bring this under control and one person cannot muster enough on their own to bring themselves up. On the days when everything is impossible, I cipher my strength from this support. My husband; my father; my extended family; the reminder of my children needing me; these all give me the faith (lol) to keep on because there needs to be more examples of us; who fall down only to get back up again and again and LIVE LIFE in spite of it.
This is probably what I consider my greatest strength and although it is not solely my own, it still is a very significant reason why I am able to do a lot of things, including writing this. I doubt myself every single time I post because I still dread what others might think of me, and my experiences. I do not seek solemnity for this, only the gratification in knowing there are others who relate, who can say that they are walking the same path and are also taking strides to better themselves; because that is what we really want at the end of the day!
To have people who love me, who support me in speaking my truth regardless of the challenges faced is mighty and I will never forget it. I am empowered to continue because of this. Sure, I still make mistakes but I can make them freely without the fear of being forced into avoiding it.
Like with most things that are easy, it is enticing to give in and pretend that you can live your life without staying your truth but you need to ask yourself if that is worth the wasted energy. It takes more to maintain the false pretence than it would to just be who you are. It does not serve you well to stunt your growth or your life experiences too, simply because you are fearful to face the circumstances. I have seen what this does first hand and I challenge you to let it go, face those demons with determination because they do not own your mind. I don’t speak from a perspective of pretentiousness, because I know significantly well how debilitating it is to have someone prognosticate your life. I will never pretend to know your circumstance. But, I also know that life is not about succeeding or being the greatest, or having the most amount of courage to beat anything. It is just about how many times you choose to try for you and at the end of all of this, that is all which matters. Encouragement is more my style and I will continue to encourage you to challenge yourself because no one is keeping score. You are worthy of rediscovering your strengths and embracing them for what they make of you.
Faith x
Lucent Madness 